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Jazzerace

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[18 May 2007|06:18pm]
I don't know why I'm writing in this, possibly to save myself from boredom.

Graduation, yay? I don't know. I feel like a part of me is going away and never coming back. I almost feel like I'm going to be forgotten by the friends I've made. I'm moving back to New York, and I should be happy about this because I really am not a big fan of this area but, I feel like I shouldn't be leaving. I know change is a part of everyone's life, but it always seems to happen for me at the worst possible moments. I moved from NY to PA and lost a lot of friends. I kept a few, but I lost a lot more than I kept. I made like 5 friends in high school, none of which I talk to very often. Then I got to college and I've made so many friends here. And every summer I'd be upset that school was over for 3 months because I'd be away from them. Now it feels like summer is never going to end. I'm sick of losing friends. It doesn't seem fair to me that as my life progresses I have to leave people behind. And I don't want to end up like my parents who barely ever see their friends. And I know that there is more to life than hanging out with friends and partying and having fun, but why can't there be a balance? Why can't I spend equal amounts of time working and playing and keep all my friends? And I know I'm being stupid. I mean I know I'll see some of my friends that are still here when I come to visit, but not all of them because usually I only got to see them during the plays. I don't know. I think I miss them already and that's why I'm writing this. But what can you do? Life has to go on. And it all comes down to money in the end. People lose touch with friends because they are slaves to their employers. This is one of the reasons I have a desire to be rich. Because then I can do what I want. I don't know. I'm complaining, and I don't really want to, so I'm gonna end this now.
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[01 Apr 2007|09:51pm]
Another song has been written. I asked a girl out and got turned down, a few days later I wrote this song.

Rejected Again

Have you ever felt like you weren't meant to love
Like a fucked up order was sent from above
I'm sick of failing every time I try
Tired of lookin at the sky and asking why oh why

Chorus
I don't mean to be negative, don't mean to be mean
But I've got the worst luck you've ever seen
I don't want to go where I've already been
But oh, here we go, I'm rejected again

Don't want you sorry, Don't need your sympathy
All I need right now is for you to stay away from me
I opened up to you but you shot me down
Don't know why I'm upset, I should be used to this by now

Chorus
I don't mean to be negative, don't mean to be mean
But I've got the worst luck you've ever seen
I don't want to go where I've already been
But oh, here we go, I'm rejected again

Maybe it's me, I don't understand
If I'm such a good friend, why wont you hold my hand

Chorus
I don't mean to be negative, don't mean to be mean
But I've got the worst luck you've ever seen
I don't want to go where I've already been
But oh, here we go, I'm rejected again

I'm rejected again
I'm rejected again

Slowly Into Fade
I'm rejected again


Comment if you wish.
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[26 Nov 2006|12:34am]
I'll tell ya, an empty apartment is depressing. All my roomates went home and I'm here because this weekend is tech weekend for the play I'm in. In fact I currently have grey stuff in my hair and beard to make me look older. Yes I have a beard, a pretty bushy lookin one too. Anyway, I want to go out and have a beer at a bar, but no one I know is around, and I don't have the money to pay a 3-5 dollar cover to buy a 2 dollar beer. So I'm kinda just stuck here, by myself until I go to rehearsal tomorrow. It's not so bad I guess, I just hate not having anyone to talk to. Ok, well, I really don't have anything to write, so I guess I'm off to bed. Good night all.
2 comments|post comment

[18 Nov 2006|01:15am]
Fuck this man. I just don't think I'm cut out to like girls anymore. Every time I get attached, something bad happens. For instance, this girl I liked sophomore year, I thought I was over it, but then she comes around and it's the same feelings over again. AND she's flirting with one of my roomates, AGAIN!!! I'll tell ya, if I had it my way, I'd be emotionless. Then maybe I wouldn't drink or do drugs to make myself feel better about the current situation I'm in. Fuck it, I'm too wasted to type anymore, but the situation still sucks.
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[08 May 2006|01:28pm]
I don't know what it is, but this time of year always sucks for me. Anyway, a song I've written but haven't thought of a bridge for yet, I'm thinkin of leaving it as it is.
NOTE: This doesn't apply to anyone who reads this, if anyone does anymore.

I Give Up

Everyday becomes more of a pain in the ass
I go to class, I come home, hoping I'll pass
Just don't care anymore, want it all to stop
All this shit just makes me want to drop

Work my ass off for this measley check
Gone in an instant, my money's a wreck
I smoke it away in a cloud of happiness
Gone in an instant and I'm back to this


(Chorus)
So this is my answer to the question
I'm givin up on this life I'm destined
Take it away and get out of here
Nothin to lose, nothin to fear


Every day I'm constantly disrespected
By these so-called friends I've collected
I'm spent I'm tired, get away from me
You fucked me over enough for me to see clearly

I'm always in the way of everyone
Fuck it, I'm gone, disappeared, I'm done
If you want me around, well too bad for you
It's all gone to hell, and with this I'm through

(Chorus x2)
So this is my answer to the question
I'm givin up on this life I'm destined
Take it away and get out of here
Nothin to lose, nothin to fear
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[05 Feb 2006|03:42am]
I am currently drunk, so the following may or may not make sense.

Have you ever noticed, that when hanging out with two people who are closer, or, are obviously attracted to eachother, that if you're with them, you become the outsider? Let me clarify. I was drinking with 3 people from my play. 2 of which, were kinda keeping very close contact the whole time, sitting close, almost always making touch contact, etc. It ended up splitting into two groups, me and the other person, and those 2. Eventually, the person I was talking to decided to leave. So it was me and the other two. I felt like an extra person. It was very awkward. I'm almost asleep on my feet anyway so it gave me a reason to leave, but I felt extremely uncomfortable. I don't know if this was just me feeling lonely because the other two people were sitting together and I was alone, or if I had a reasonable reason to be uncomfortable. I really don't know what my point in writing this was. I guess I just wanted to get it down somewhere. I would have stayed, but I felt like I was in the way. I guess this is the way of the single person among couples, even though these 2 people weren't a couple. I don't know, I'm going to sleep.
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[13 Dec 2005|07:07pm]
Jason
Healer : Greek

Very intelligent, broadminded and a good listener. You are an ideas person, with a wonderful creative imagination who is always seeking practical applications to apply this to. Your intelligence means that you have great potential for business success if you can apply some discipline and caution. You enjoy sensual pleasures and with a natural restless nature and liking for adventure life is rarely dull with you around.


Wow, pretty good. Didn't think it'd peg me that well. Meh. Ok, I just took 2 finals over 4 1/2 hours, I'm gonna go walk around like a zombie.
5 comments|post comment

[18 Nov 2005|11:53pm]
Well, here's my attempt at using this as an actual journal.

Today I woke up around 9AM. I worked on the User Manual for the group project in my Software Engineering class. I went to campus around 11. Worked on the user manual until 2, in which I had to go to class. I basically finished the user manual at that time. Had to change one thing after class. I handed in the user manual. I hope it gets an A, because that will almost solidify my A in that class. I'm set up to get 4 A's and 2 B's this semester. I'm hoping I can pull this off, because it would really help considering my 1.7 semester GPA last semester. It would also stick it to anyone who thought I couldn't turn myself around and get back on the right track. In doing the user manual so much, I had to choose not to do an outline for my paper in my Fundamentals of Security Engineering class, which is bad, but whatever. I'll email it to him tomorrow. Shouldn't be too bad of a penalty. That professor let me borrow a book, so I could use it as one of my sources. Funny enough, I actually want to read it. My paper is on rootkits, which are kernel level trojan horses. There's more to them, but I haven't done much research on it yet, so I don't know much else. I got home around 4:30 and hung out with my roomate Austin and Mook, who lives downstairs. I watched them play Madden for Xbox and then we went to subway. After we got back, Me and Austin came back to our apartment. From 9-now we've been bored. I watched him play a game of Madden on PS2, then we played poker until now. I'm bored and tired, so I'm going to sleep after this. Tomorrow I'm going to my friend's house for this Anti-Thanksgiving thing they have. I really don't know much about it other than it's just like thanksgiving, only with more drinking. Austin was supposed to go with me, but he opted out last minute. Oh well.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my lack of a girlfriend, and it's disheartening. In thinking about it, I really don't know why I have never had one. I tend to like girls who are not available to me, I think that's what it is. I met someone a few weeks ago at a bar when I was visiting Justin, but I found out she has a boyfriend, or at least she said something about "hanging with her bf" but she said that after talking about her best friends. So it could be miscommunication, but I'm not deluding myself. It is a little saddening though. I laid down last night, wishing I could just hold someone and have someone hold me back. My roomate and a few friends of mine are determined to get me a girlfriend, well no, they're determined to "get me laid". I think I'd rather the girlfriend, but at this point, I'd probably take whatever. One thing I've noticed is that I get down about it still, but I don't really get depressed about it anymore, which is good. I guess I'll have to just run with it and see what happens. Everyday is a new possibility I suppose.
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[09 Nov 2005|06:07pm]
One of my professors said a very sarcastic comment that basically said I fuck up every time I try to do good. He said it in a real fucked up way too, so I've been pissed at him and a song came out of it. I'm wishy washy about the title, but whatever.


Your Kind Makes Me Sick

When you look at me
Tell me what do you see?
You think I'm a worthless slacker
Who'll fade away quietly

I wont just disappear
I'm gonna take this wheel and steer
And when all is said and done
My importance will become very clear

Chorus
You think I'm a useless kid
Fuck you
You never remember any stupid shit you did
Fuck you
You'll never be rid of my kind
Fuck you
Because everyone is like me from time to time

When I look at you
I think about you being a stuck up fucker, and how it wont do
Maybe one day you'll take the hint
No one is perfect, even you will lose

Because my kind is becoming the future of this place very fast
And you're still holding on to the oh so sacred past
You're growing old and I've just begun
You just can't survive, I'm coming in first and you're gonna be last

Chorus
You think I'm a useless kid
Fuck you
You never remember any stupid shit you did
Fuck you
You'll never be rid of my kind
Fuck you
Because everyone is like me from time to time

The reason I'm pissed off
Is because you never gave me a chance
You offered me a big fuck you
So here's one back in advance
Fuck You

Chorus x2
You think I'm a useless kid
Fuck you
You never remember any stupid shit you did
Fuck you
You'll never be rid of my kind
Fuck you
Because everyone is like me from time to time
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[02 Nov 2005|08:31pm]
I am quite happy with this song. Mostly because it's about someone and she is awesome.

Five Days Ago

They say I get hooked in too easily
Like my heart is an open door without a key
It may seem weird and may even bother you
But I'm so hooked on you I don't know what to do

I just want to hold you tight and never let you go
For some reason I just keep movin very slow
I don't know how but I've got to figure it out
I want you so bad I'd kill, without a doubt

Chorus
Five days ago, you took my breath away
I had to go but you know I wanted to stay
I know you and me could be something
I'm usually hit and miss but not with this swing

I've finally found what I've been looking for
Now that I've had a taste I want much more
You and me is something I hope we can be
Since I like you and you like me
There are no problems that I can see

So what do you say, could we give it a good try?
We'll be together and have some really good times.
What happens now, is all up to you.
My heart is in your hands, do what your gonna do.

Chorus
Five days ago, you took my breath away
I had to go but you know I wanted to stay
I know you and me could be something
I'm usually hit and miss but not with this swing
(repeat until fade)
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[07 Oct 2005|12:03pm]
Ever had a dream that you absolutely did not want to wake up from? You know, one of those dreams where nothing could go wrong, and you wished the dream was actually happening instead of just inside your head? I had one of those dreams this morning. Everything was going perfectly, until I suddenly woke up before the dream was about to get really good. I don't know whether or not I woke up because I realized I was dreaming or if it was the construction work going on outside(probably) but I was so happy in this dream.

The dream...or what I remember at least:
I went to this girl's house. I apparently knew her in the dream, but I have no idea who she was. Her parents let me in and I went up to her room to talk to her. It was awkward for a little while, but then we started talking and it was nice. Then somehow, we ended up leaving her house, and miraculously it turned from night to day. So we went walking and I was running out of things to talk about. We were walking and smiling. I went to kiss her but it seemed as if she pulled away(might have been just the way she was moving) and I tripped, but caught myself. We laughed about me tripping, and then I came up with a few more questions. Just as we approached a bridge, I asked her how old she was. The bridge isn't important, but I remember it vividly. I don't know why I didn't know how old she was, but hey whatever. She seemed to be avoiding the question, I remember she said "Well, when I was 12, I had a sweater that was 15 years old". This confused me more. I asked her "Seriously though, how old are you". She went to say something and it was at that time that I woke up.

This was cruel of my brain to let me wake up. I wanted this dream to go on so much longer. I was so free. I can only hope that I have dreams like that more often, or hell, I'd love for something like that to happen to me in real life. Man, it was so nice to feel that way.
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[05 Oct 2005|01:45pm]
No More Fairy Tale

They tell me I'm makin a mistake
They tell me I'm doin it all wrong
They tell me I'll regret it someday
But by then it'll be too late

Think of your future
You're throwin it all away
You could be shining star if you want to
And not just fade away

Chorus
I'm no longer your burden
Because I refuse to follow your rules
I don't wanna hear how I'm fuckin up
And how it's not cool
Because I'm livin for myself in the present
I'm not livin your fairy tale anymore

My drinking pisses you off
My smoking's gonna kill me
And this green leaf is my only friend

Today I'm tellin you the truth
I don't wanna give up my fun
And I really don't care what you want anymore

Chorus
I'm no longer your burden
Because I refuse to follow your rules
I don't wanna hear how I'm fuckin up
And how it's not cool
Because I'm livin for myself in the present
I'm not livin your fairy tale anymore

When will I learn my ways are bad
That'll be the day that I...die
Because my habits are my way out
And you just don't understand

Chorus til fade
I'm no longer your burden
Because I refuse to follow your rules
I don't wanna hear how I'm fuckin up
And how it's not cool
Because I'm livin for myself in the present
I'm not livin your fairy tale anymore
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[04 Oct 2005|08:16pm]
Give Up On Me

I'm sick of trying
To get you to like me
Fuck that shit
You can fuckin bite me

I've run out of worries
Because I don't care no more
If you don't like it
Turn around, there's the door

Chorus
Get away from me
I don't need your grief
I've taken your shit for far too long
I don't need to listen to you
Or any of the bullshit you spew
I just want to be left in peace
Let me just live my life
The way I want to
And stay the hell away from me

I just wanna feel free
I don't want anymore stress
I know I'm a fuck up
In disguise, I confess

I refuse to take the blame
Don't preach to me
I don't wanna hear it
I'm not what you want me to be

Chorus
Get away from me
I don't need your grief
I've taken your shit for far too long
I don't need to listen to you
Or any of the bullshit you spew
I just want to be left in peace
Let me just live my life
The way I want to
And stay the hell away from me

I couldn't please you then
I wont please you now
So why don't you just give up on me

Chorus x2
Get away from me
I don't need your grief
I've taken your shit for far too long
I don't need to listen to you
Or any of the bullshit you spew
I just want to be left in peace
Let me just live my life
The way I want to
And stay the hell away from me
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[21 Sep 2005|01:26am]
1) Bold what is true about you.
2) Italicize what you wish was true about you.
3) Add one true thing about you to the end of the list.
4) Tag five LJ friends.(I'm not doing this)

I must be tired and bored if I'm doing something like thisCollapse )
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[14 Sep 2005|11:52am]
Don't Ignore The Geek

He stares at you in class
He wants you to notice
He smiles every time you pass
He'd die happy just for one kiss

Scared by your crowd
He just can't
Drown the sound
Of his insignificance

Chorus
Your friends don't know a thing
They only keep you down
He only wants to bring
You back down to the ground
Your swimming up so high
Thinking this is real
But reality isn't in the sky
Reality is what you feel

Don't think you're above his kind
You don't know anything
The love that's in his mind
But he still seems to mean nothing
To you...

You ignore what you could have
Because you think your trend is better
You could be so happy
Once you see that shit is not forever

Chorus
Your friends don't know a thing
They only keep you down
He only wants to bring
You back down to the ground
Your swimming up so high
Thinking this is real
But reality isn't in the sky
Reality is what you feel

Don't ignore the geek
He may not be sleek
Don't ignore the geek
He's the one you seek
Don't ignore the geek
Don't ignore the geek
Don't ignore the geek

Chorus
Your friends don't know a thing
They only keep you down
He only wants to bring
You back down to the ground
Your swimming up so high
Thinking this is real
But reality isn't in the sky
Reality is what you feel
(repeat x2)
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[08 Sep 2005|11:09am]
This one is a slow and depressing song. One of my favorites though.

Home

There may be no place like home
But home isn't where the heart is
If you look around
You may find your home is sadness

The place you call home
Isn't always such a nice place
Sometimes I wonder
If that's always the case

Chorus
But a place you go
To feel so comfortable
That is the place
You go when your life is unforgiveable
A place to rest your head down now
Before you start to fall down
Home is where you find yourself
When you don't have anything else

So maybe home is not so nice
Not a place to feel good
But at least home alone
You'll never be misunderstood

A lonely escape from
All the things that bother you today
Nobody telling you what to do
They all seem to go away

Chorus
But a place you go
To feel so comfortable
That is the place
You go when your life is unforgiveable
A place to rest your head down now
Before you start to fall down
Home is where you find yourself
When you don't have anything else

Sometimes bittersweet escape is
What we need
To save us from this world that
Likes to make us bleed

Chorus
But a place you go
To feel so comfortable
That is the place
You go when your life is unforgiveable
A place to rest your head down now
Before you start to fall down
Home is where you find yourself
When you don't have anything else
(repeat until fade)
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[07 Sep 2005|09:14pm]
Another song....

My Heart Is Closed Until Further Notice

I've been hurt for the last time
I'm not letting it happen again
From now on I'll be just fine
No more getting my heart broken

Made this decision
No more falling for you
We can have lots of fun
But Get too close and it's goodbye to you

Chorus
My hearts been through too much
The staples, duct tape and glue
Nothing will hold it shut
So this is me at my coldest
Today my heart is
Closed until further notice

So this is the deal
We can be what we need to be
No need to feel
Feelings lead to you being the enemy

We are friends with benefits
And nothing more
If you have a problem with this
You can leave through the front door

Chorus
My hearts been through too much
The staples, duct tape and glue
Nothing will hold it shut
So this is me at my coldest
Today my heart is
Closed until further notice

I didn't want it to be like this
I didn't want to be this cold
But this this sad and depressed bullshit
It's just getting too old

Chorus
My hearts been through too much
The staples, duct tape and glue
Nothing will hold it shut
So this is me at my coldest
Today my heart is
Closed until further notice
(repeat 3x)
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[07 Sep 2005|08:31pm]
An odd song I wrote a month ago that I forgot to post.

City Bus

The day it happened
I was on a bus
Headed to the city

Took the scenic route
That day
It sure was pretty

Chorus
But somethin' just snapped
Inside my head
I was feeling so trapped
That my brain blew up
And I went nuts
Never thought I'd have the nerve
To crash a city bus

Told the driver I had a gun
Please don't move
Or else you are done

Of course I did not
But he didn't know
And didn't want to be shot

Chorus
But somethin' just snapped
Inside my head
I was feeling so trapped
That my brain blew up
And I went nuts
Never thought I'd have the nerve
To crash a city bus

I had him drive into
A convenience store
The bus went right
Through the front door

I was arrested
No gunfight of glory
But hell, it was worth it
For such an awesome story

Chorus
But somethin' just snapped
Inside my head
I was feeling so trapped
That my brain blew up
And I went nuts
Never thought I'd have the nerve
To crash a city bus
(repeat til fade)


I was either on break or on lunch and I was bored. Dunno why I wrote this.
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[04 Sep 2005|11:07pm]
New song.


All I Know

I don't know what I am doing
I don't know where you are
I don't know how dangerous
It is
But I can't go on

Talking to myself
Scaring other people
I don't know about this
Maybe I'm just evil

Chorus
All I know
Is that I gotta break free
All I know
Is that I gotta get away from me
All I know
Is that today is the day
All I know
Is I'm finally gonna break away

Told myself today I'd change
Tried to keep my word to me
My life is too damn strange
I'll walk away quietly

I complicate the simple stuff
And no one seems to understand
Everything seems so rough
When perfection is in high demand

Chorus
All I know
Is that I gotta break free
All I know
Is that I gotta get away from me
All I know
Is that today is the day
All I know
Is I'm finally gonna break away
(repeat 3x)
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[07 Aug 2005|10:18pm]
More songs....

I've Got A Thing For You

I look at you
You're so beautiful
But I can't have you
You're out of reach until

I get the guts
To come up to you
I really should
I've got nothin' to lose

Chorus
I watch you
From across the room
I'm afraid
You'll walk away
I can't find the words
The words to say
I've got a thing for you

I really hope
I don't freak you out
I'm not a stalker
I just see you around

Every time you're close to me
I just turn and walk away
Maybe someday I'll have the nerve
The nerve to stay

Chorus
I watch you
From across the room
I'm afraid
You'll walk away
I can't find the words
The words to say
I've got a thing for you

Yes I watch you
Yes I want you
But I can't talk to you

Time'll go by
I know I'll try
But I'll never get over you

Chorus x2
I watch you
From across the room
I'm afraid
You'll walk away
I can't find the words
The words to say
I've got a thing for you

----------------------------------------

Alone In A Corner

Sitting alone in a corner
Wishing there was a crowd
I used to think silence was quiet
But now it's just too fucking loud

It's like this everyday
Alone and pushed to the side
What the hell amd I afraid of?
There's no reason to hide

Chorus
Sometimes I don't know
Other times I just don't care
Why am I by myself
It's just not fucking fair

Someday this shell will break
Right off my back it'll be gone
Then I'll be able to communicate
And maybe have some fun

Until that day comes
I'll just sit here and wait
And pretend when people ask me
That I'm doing just great

Chorus x2
Sometimes I don't know
Other times I just don't care
Why am I by myself
It's just not fucking fair
----------------------------------
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